Sunday

This has been an exceptionally weird day. Sundays are always depressing here but today was more so. No wait, not depressing but something on the lines of a wake-up call after ice cold water has been thrown on your face and in huge volumes that you are left gasping for breath and reeling with the effect of instant shock. Hell. Total bloody hell.

No, as much dramatic as it sounds I haven’t undergone an accident or a life threatening situation but just was made to face a few hard core realities.

Tell me, how would you like it if you’re stuck in one place for too long and have no respite coming in from anywhere? How would you like to know a bunch of people who don’t give two hoots about you and your sad life and do not inspire you in anyway in anything? How would you like to know a bunch of people who don’t do things on a whim, don’t do crazy things and don’t let you or inspire you to take risks? How would you like to know a bunch of people who contact you only in case of work or when they are in a soup and cut you out the rest of time presuming that well, “but she is like this/like that/will be doing that.” (What do you know man? It is another thing when you shut people out voluntarily as this is the only way for someone to like you-by NOT knowing you because then you have judgments being imposed on you, stereotyping and somebody else’s opinion to care about. Already enough, people don’t know you and where you’re coming for and still interpose their opinions and presumptions on you.) How would you like to know people who don’t take those few steps required to cement any sort of relationship you might share when you are the one who seems like you have stakes in it? How would you yourself like to be screwed in your head to the point that you always like the best and the perfect and will not settle for anything or anyone lesser than that?

All this and more on…”The Story of my Life.”

In any case, one good thing out of this day is that we organized the Moot Court event well and in the course of it all, I got to know a really really really nice person. Truly, inherent goodness accosts you when you least expect it. I have never come across a person with a cleaner heart and mind in my life. To think I might at some point thought adversely of him would be admitting my fallacy of presumptuousness. Screw the popular perception, screw respect for life of all, screw the civilized society and screw this God-damn place with its bunch of himbos and bimbos (read bimbettes), a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

A good man. True.

p.s- You don’t have to understand everything I write on my blog. It is “my” blog. I can be as abstract, irritating, self-effacing, arrogant, bitter, angry, happy, indignant, frustrated as I want to be and will be. If you do get what I’m saying, it’s high time you changed, init? Besides, “We trade in ambiguity!”

I need a new dream.

What with all that ranting and raving in the previous post I feel that it was an exercise in futility. Honestly, nobody cares and neither should I get all worked up. All this talk about change, progress, vision, making the world a beautiful place, standing up for what you believe in, ideals, principles, values are all bullshit. Total bullshit because guess what, nobody does quite care. My soul be damned if I were to think of bringing about in change in Law school or much less in the world. I should be condemned to eternal damnation for thinking that my thoughts, actions can change or influence someone else’s life or that it is a sytem of mutual reciprocity. The stupid ideal of respecting other human beings or teachers per se just doesn’t exist when you’re actually berated for it and thought to be an “ass-licker” when such thoughts do not actually exist in one’s own head.

All else said, I love the fact that I am in Law school. Truly I am. Now only if Donald Trump or Bill Gates were my Uncle, life would be perfect. My meeting and long term association with a really good friend of mine highlighted the wide disparities between life here and my life in Law school. Ironically, I never did actually understand the magnanimity of communication gaps or time warps but I do now.  An extremely sad realization to make right now or rather it was something that I always knew of but refused to acknowledge, the wedge that just gets or got deeper. She was right, it is stupid to live in the past and in no certain terms, that I need to get a life. I do. Lord knows that I do. From my side, a toast to what was and to the future. A good-bye in not so many words.

Left with a lot of work, I realise now with all the staleness and forgettable relationships that I need a new dream, a new beginning, a new sunshine, a new day.

Human beings are not programmed. I am.

Why?

As the days pass by, I have been thinking more like soul-searching on various issues in addition to worrying about those horrid surprise tests. I used to believe that ’suprise’ is a positive term, implying good news but now, it is “just so much of” a shock. This time really a shock and it does take much to convince oneself that it is only 10 marks and anyway, I always screw them up. Not when you’ve consciously put in hard work but then there are a few things beyond one’s control and I am pretty much sure that wallowing about them now is not going to help. I would have otherwise.

To more important issues like the world in general, Law school has again succeeded in bubble wrapping me in my all consuming world that I have no inkling about what is happening around me including my own family to a large extent. My house was painted (Pink apparently. Hell, who paints pink!) , one of my cousins (I have no clue just how many are there and what exactly are the bonds.) is engaged to be married in November, my other cousin (the one who wants to make it to NASA) has made it to college with a very reasonable fee structure considering the high rates in Engineering, my other cousin is off to Rajasthan for Engineering, my Uncle in the US got promoted, my other Uncle has spent almost 3 years in Heaven by now, my sister is in the V grade-one of the primes of my life, my best friend..I have no clue what is happening with her or anyone else. It is another thing to know that one of my other close friends or was a close friend is engaged to be married, another one already married and another one married with kids. Where is the world going or what are we coming to? To all of them congratulations but seriously, you could have spent a few years enjoying your liberty but I guess there is something liberating in commitment as well. Not that I would know. With the high rate of break-ups and failed relationships with tears every moment, I am sorry but no thank you. It is never the fear or aversion to try something new but not something with such disastrous consequences as to make one go ballistic, furious and completely cuckoo or make one terribly silly in behaviour in the misconception that Mr. Right could be just round the corner. It is not as if Law school gives one the luxury of acting stupid and even if does, I don’t think I can possibly put up with the utter idiocy and ridicule that accompanies it here at least in the context of my batch.

Some would believe that it is a boon to belong to a community which has such an eclectic mix of people in terms of backgrounds, finances, IQ levels et al. True it is. I have never been more enlightened or sure of the person I am now but there is something that surpasses it all, in the sense that even the common norms are not so in my batch. Basic ethics, basic moral values, basic common sense (paradoxical) which is lacking at some level. What is even more disgusting is the politics of the whole deal. The fact that we are supposed to be exercising our franchise in this semblance of a democratic process yet end up with a bunch of people who were set out for it with absolutely no rational basis is baffling. Taking into account the actual number that remains in class during classes (forget even listening) it is absolutely mind-blogging as I keep questioning their existence in this place. It is not the question of being judgmental or holier-than-thou but seriously, hold on a sec, what are you here for? Do you even know the magnitude of spending a good five years, the most crucial five make-or-break years of your life here? I am sure they would testify to the general discontent attached to this place in terms of people but beyond it all, does it actually matter to you that you are in a course that has a direct impact on other peoples lives even on yours? I am sure Daddy would keep you safe for a good many years but then how much longer? Maybe this   counter to the world being a very cruel and tough place, the couching of it all or dressing it up to believe that the world is perfect. Maybe I am being cynical. So sue me but I would very much be concerned if after 5 years I don’t land up with a job I like. I don’t want to make do. I can’t. Hell, the others and I didn’t make do with our local law colleges and made it through an entrance to get here. When we haven’t compromised or our family hasn’t in matters of providing legal education, there is absolutely no reason why any of us would settle for a lesser job, a lesser life as compared to that which we are capable of. It is not my fault that I wasn’t born in the greatest legal or business family in India but don’t make it difficult for us, the people who are honestly trying to do their best to the point that you start hating us. If anyone while reading this makes a link with Vendel, I am sorry to dash your hopes but I am not cowardly to send e-mails through different ids and assume it will make some impact on people. Clearly, it didn’t have the desired effect on people whom it is supposed to. No wait, did it for a day? I remotely remember a second of silence.

I have been warned off as a kid and been burned by my own openly voiced comments but this is my writer’s license and my blog. Besides, my pissed off face has made enough of an impact as people have gotten around to figuring out that their behaviour and they are not welcome. So much for getting people to like you. It is not as if one of the most brilliant professors here cares about what people think about her or their aversion towards here but she makes it obvious that at some level she does and wants to reconcile. Why would she or anybody else do that when they know they’re right? Isn’t that rich of the other person to expect the recognition of their distaste or aversion towards us? It is something akin to ‘equals being treated equally, unequals being treated unequally’ and clearly there is a wide chasm here. Quite honestly, I admit to being slightly prejudiced against the Professor herself as I thought I was the under-dog and she was this “towering over-arching” figure but when I view things in black and white, I am clearly in the wrong. Admittedly, there is less elbow room with her set interpretations and values but she has a justification about everything she says unlike certain others who have no backing whatsoever. Admittedly she does seem more inclined towards certain people but if one were to give her a  bunch of absolutely disinterested people even in a  Law subject, the few who do try are appreciated, the degree here being about just how much have you tried or been trying. I don’t see the point in that woman being the Prima Donna of Law saying that “You might hate me for this but… (justification)”. 1) Why should she? What is the need? 2) Doesn’t this go against the misconception about her being ruthless/uncaring and generally spiteful?  3) In the presence of a majoritarian bunch of generally disinterested people, why would you bare yourself? My only justification for her is that she loves her job way too much. There are levels here to be examined, one of the inability to understand, the other about not even making that attempt when you have the resources. Is it that hard to spend two minutes not talking about your-oh-so-happening life? What is so important anyway? The latest nail-color? The latest gossip about who is dating whom? The I-need-to-pour-out my heart to you only in class? Fine, all of this is a given but I am sure that nail colors don’t release everyday and it is not a make-up/break-up every single moment. While we (the few) were discussing this, it ultimately boiled down to exasperation, frustration and the inability to understand them. For me, it was more also in terms of a loss of respect for them. Am I the only one being so vocal about it that I am in danger of being caught and boycotted? Even in the few of us, how many of us are honest about this and will express ourselves when called for? That makes me a coward too. I throw disgusted looks in classes, I am blogging about this…have I gone to them and confronted them? In fact, I did but it is a futile exercise as they fail to understand, even some of the better ones. So basically, it is hard core diplomacy of I can’t stand you behind the person’s back and in front of them giving them the importance akin to that or even more than someone who isn’t like that. Hence, if I allow for copying today though the “copier” is allegedly brilliant in Law and knows his shit, if I do, I am cool and accepted and loved. Why is the question. The few of us cover beneath the I-need-to-be-liked jazz. By whom, pray tell. Taking remedials for people who wrote the repeat for the afore mentioned Professors’s course, I came across people who genuinely truly madly were making the effor to get to know her and understand her fundas. They really did and were disappointed with the mere passing grade they received. Is it too much to ask you to try for your sake? I firmly hold by my now entrenched notion of diplomacy being a form of hypocrisy. Hell, you might be friends with a person and take them for granted but are very much bothered about whether or not the brilliant people (Sarcasm intended) think of you and hope they like you. Quite honestly, face the mirror and for once, be truthful than a coward.

Further on the cream of the brilliants decide on the governance of this place through their brand of politicking. So that makes it 8 guys here (who are close to girls) and one girl (One of the other brilliants) there and that adds up to me, a total numb-skull becoming the head of them all. Wow. Isn’t that a work of art? Your obvious question then reader should then be what can I do about it? I can’t. That is the point because I lack the bloody diplomacy skills and refuse to see the spade for a heart. It is akin to running the governance of this country but there are dollops of merit here and there as well. Here there is a total negation of merit and depends on who your friends are.  Also, this whole notion of “friends” here baffles me in some contexts. You can’t befriend or attempt it by setting out an agenda because it doesn’t work that way, just like you can’t get regain trust or respect. I think it is better to be a closed up clam than a foolish nincompoop who is set to get her heart butchered by someone. No, we don’t believe in the inherent goodness of our friends here, leave alone the human race.

In response to a conversation a week ago, yes, I am a creature of my own making, of my family predominantly. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke. If I have no problem with you doing it (If I do, maybe it is because of the excesses or that you are my friend), you shouldn’t with me or the kind of person I am. To all those politicking, you need a reality check and get a life. Also to others, thank you for making me rebel against my family but the point is I do actually like being super-imposed with a few ideas and I stand by them, thank you very much.

p.s- To the readers who’ve made the connect, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t vocally voice out you opinion on this or start ranting about Vendel and defame me. If you do or are planning to, good luck to you because I am out there with this already.

And we’re at it again.

As I attempt to read the judgment of J. Das for a presentation tomorrow, I am tempted to blog, for a while, some bit, something…a contribution to the recording of my mundane life in III Year of Law School.

It would be fake on my part if I said that I was hating it, wanting to run home or kill myself.  It’s pretty okay and I have enough work to keep me occupied. Work is numbing. Work heals. Work distracts. One wonders why would I possibly require any distraction but it has become more essential this semester. For varied reasons which cannot be stated here. Hence, work numbs, work heals and so does music. What would I do without music and my head-phones! Probably would have ended up murdering somebody or wallowing in more self-pity that I usually do. In any case, thank God for music, musicians and songs.

This place grows on you and never fails to surprise you with new developments everyday. It is a learning experience especially when sometimes forces you to break out of your mold or to retaliate to re-inforce status-quo. Yes, status-quo. I guess I am trying very hard in my own way to express that things cannot and will not change and that somewhere, I don’t want them to. Not now, not ever. As cryptic as it may sound to any third person which is practically the 99% who might read this, I am trying to write answers to unasked questions and hoping that they’d be expressed and confusions put to rest. Further, the other sort of confusions which refuse to get resolved because of ego issues should as well. I am hoping they will. Honestly, it is not the work or stress of Law school that gets to me. It is the people. It is hell trying to sort things out on a constant basis or curbing any sort of expectation. In the end, you just give up on people and wish them well with their lives with re-assurances of being there.

Isolation sounds good and so does work. At least, one enjoys work.

Back to Das.J.

Part 2: Lost opportunities of a lost childhood of a lost child

Despite my claims of chilling out and taking a break, I am finally interning. Joy to the world! The bandwagon doesn’t let you do what you want to do and I am not exactly invincible to the power and neither I am so idle that home suits me fine. When I think about it now, it does. Sigh. Lost opportunities of a lost childhood and of a lost child. Ah…the wonders of hyperbole!

So curbing on all the expressions, sarcasm and “drama” we go on to important things like the world.

I have randomly decided to discuss ‘The Robin Hood theory’. Ever wondered why Robin Hood was a hero and not a villain? I do. Always had but now even more. It was easy enough to state the reason ‘inequalities of income’ for every single poverty or over-population answer somehow twisting in logic which was actually the reality given a name but I have never felt the impact more.

As I rode with Dad on his bike across some of the busiest spots in Chennai, I cursed and wailed at this fact that we were one of the few ones on the other side of the divide, the ones who had to come up painfully and didn’t have big bucks.

(Irony actually if I remember one of my teacher’s who commented to my friend during the Christmas drama because I had been complaining or rather whining at being made to Rs. 500 for a huge ruby red gown or whatever you call it to play Jo’s character in Little Women. Thinking about it now, I did fit in the character what with my general rebelliousness to those stupid patronizing play practices where one of my friend’s would ”try to help” with my expressions. “If you could be a bit more politer in this scene because Jo is like this and the original says this and la-la-la.” Right. This might seem like a reaction to a bruised ego but it was justified when you have bias/prejudice/favoritism all rolled into one facing you. To be honest to anybody from school reading this, I admit I was also in that category but not often atleast not by people in school who’s favor could work wonders for you. So getting to the point this teacher quite laughingly told my friend, “But why does she have to worry? She is a rich girl. This is a small expense for her. In fact, it is nothing.” or something to that effect since I don’t remember the exact words plus I was not there so we’ll give her the benefit of doubt that she didn’t say anything more.)

Rich girl. If only. But then, no thank you. I am content, well actually not because then I wouldn’t be writing this post. It is not the fact that I belong to the other side that irks me, its the redistribution. How can God be so unjust so as to give SO much to one and SO less to the other? What is the rationable behind the  1500 Crore Rupees+ 130 Crore Bunglow Mannat+ ownership of a six storey building + a 90 Crore Villa in Dubai+ investment in IPL team Kolkata Knight Riders belonging to King Khan and the bare Rs. 80 odd given to a paid labourer. On analysis, the following emerges,

He entertains well so he earns well rationale. Goes on to show that people would pay so much for entertainment even on their wedding where they wouldn’t dance or even their relatives wouldn’t but paid actors would. God the wedding just got more familial. People do not like to pay people who cultivate their food and other activities like those in the Electricity/Carpentry/Manufacturing/Transport sectors. (Merely illustrative.) So that must mean though this is a far-fetched argument, I absolutely mind if I don’t see TV for a day (All the saas-bahu people would just wilt under their perfect make-up..Oh wait, what about the TRP’s? We can’t forgo that, can we? even if the world burns like the Bombay attacks or even if there is a danger from a hurricane. I remember this quite well, how STAR and other channels were recording their ratings during the Bombay attacks and there were drastic figures for them. It seemed everyone did care for Bombay. Before that or after that you actually had a terrorist attack in some fictional STAR show. Guess terror sells.) or don’t take Sharukh’s autograph or don’t watch him sell Lux soap but I do not mind even care if farmers die, the monsoon fails, the Ministers are corrupt, there is a plague and that there are terrorists in my city. India rules. Taking my Dad’s argument that this is what channels have to do to survive. It is a simple matter of business, give and take. We deliver mindless shows where everyone cries and the women are subjugated and the men are autocratic and children are married and you give us your eyes. (Read viewership) Maybe I went too far with this but my basic point is that some people have so much in life, bada ghar, bada gadi and all that jazz but where is all their money going? I agree with the I earn good-I eat well-I live better in whatever order but is that fair on an equity basis? What big mountain have you scaled that you only eat cakes from La Boulangerie but that another person can’t even afford a piece of bread even a stale one at that. 

Before the thought ingrains in one’s head that I am advocating a Socialist ideology and that I believe that rich people should die, a disclaimer. I am merely questioning the redistribution of justice and resources. It is purely a thought and yes, meritocracy rules. Then again, merit comes from opportunities and when you can’t provide to all equally how can one assume that one is truly meritorious.

Again, I can turn the question on myself by asking that is it fair that I am paying Rs. 90,000 odd for a Law school education and spending money on things like coke and eat expensive sometimes and that the child who visits my home with her mother for work (She doesn’t work so there is no child labour.) has to seem so gracious for Rs. 10 to purchase biscuits. Where is the logic? The only justification that I can come up with is that each of us have some things we need, that hold us back in some sense we’re “deprived” as well and maybe the richest man is as well. We may never know but it is only fair that I accept that maybe Sharukh Khan doesn’t have something he needs, that money can’t buy.

I questioned further asking how the Government can allow for such hoarding of money. Of course there are taxes but practically speaking, will the impugned person be paying the full amount? Reality wasn’t difficult to figure when one has a well-read Dad and he figures that these people will be 1. Paying money during elections to different political parties to support them. 2. To the Income Tax officials who will reduce the actual amount to be paid. So everybody is happy. 

Still, so much to one and some or practically nothing to the other. Where is the rationale or justice? Where is this thought going, I have no idea.

Right now, at almost every traffic signal in Chennai, it is not hard to find a poor and hungry man/woman or child or a whole family. Take Haridwar itself which is criticized for putting up with whom we term “poor” people. I admit some cases are blatantly fake. Right now, my cousin needs Rs. 2 lakhs to set up a home on a property belonging to her in threat of being taken encroached by the Government for the purposes of widening the road. Another one of my cousins who wants to go to NASA can’t afford a seat in an Engineering College and has enough loans waiting for him already. Where do all these people and the several others go considering that recovery of loans is almost a business of the not-so-polite people?

I have no answers.

 

All that has happened.

A cold muffin with piping hot tea at 12:45 AM on Tuesday, the 5th of May 2009….Life cannot get better. If you haven’t guessed as yet, I am on a holiday! The third day infact and Saturday doesn’t count as I had spent the day packing which is “work”. Holiday is something which is devoid of work so technically, that doesn’t count but I would be humoring myself if I agreed with the proposition. Devoid of work…Hah! Only in my wildest dreams. I swear even my dreams cannot get wilder. As consensually agreed and believed, holiday for a Law student would include illustrious pursuits such as internship, writing papers for publication and working on moots and the like. Ain’t that just randy?! Ugh. Somebody kill me. So yes, surprise surprise, I haven’t started interning and neither have an internship waiting, have a paper to write and submit by the end of this month and I am mootless as of now. The last bit about being mootless dampens my spirits. Life is so much better if one has allotted teams but the aftermath of finding the seeds of non-compatibility unfortunately make the whole exercise a forgettable one not unless you win it. I think it is human tendency to like what is favourable or memorable and set aside (very rudely) that which is not. I am not lamenting the loss still but hate the bitter taste of relationships turning sour. Why is this a recurring theme in my posts I scarcely understand but some life lessons stick with you to the point that they become a part of you. Also, I think the ‘Moot/Jessup jinx’ as it is known does exist. Many would beg to differ but I can successfully say that it does exist, the only variation is the degrees in which it does.

Coming back to the task at hand which is “documenting” my very boring life, I have but a few observations, a few regrets and a few consolations. Actually that is a wrong way to sum up this semester. It has been good in large bits, bad in a few but in that few has been impactful adversely, average in a lot others and stressful to the core. Oh wait, edit the last…when has life NOT been stressful. I can’t complain though since I’ve been out of college for more than half the semester (Read 15 days of academic leave) and that is everyone’s idea of an ideal semester. God what joy! I was in Delhi twice and in Pune once. I say this scathingly because of the fact that I dreaded these trips in terms of what they would bring and the people I was with and the one trip I didn’t dread actually turned out to be one of my worst ever. So yes, 15 days of academic leave equals missing out major drama in class and a huge chunk in academic portions. Like there is much to learn. Seriously. Notes and more notes cutting out the potential for learning more in terms of the Law. I would rather spend time memorizing notes from my book or from one of my friend’s than read a good commentary. Actually, I don’t blame them. How much can you cover in four months anyway? How many students actually prepare for class unless coerced under fear? How many students would later read the portions covered in class? Not me but empirically it is one or nil in a class of 74. However, this does not discount or justify the amount we spend in wasting classes through tantrums (both of the Professor and the class), righteous claims of the violation of the Human Right to Communication (read yak-yaking senseless crap which is 95% expected from certain people in our illustrious batch), righteous claims of the violation of the Human Right to Attendance (Supposed to be granted even after the student walks in fifteen minutes late in class), righteous claims of the violation of Student rights (Like they exist) et. al. It is exasperating to even talk about such instances which are a useless waste of time and all those with such righteous claims would be better off channelizing all their energy towards the improvement of the world or in making the world a better place or in standing for elections and advocating for the cause of India just as passionately as they do for one attendance. To the rest like me who have become indifferent and find it futile to voice out our opinions even or are too tired to bother because it would seem like attempting to prove another point (and we’re tired of proving points) or making a mark in class, power to us. (Sarcasm) Neither are we doing much either. So yes, the noisy people make their mark and it is not the mark which we all want to make but then again, if you want to have a say you speak and we don’t most of the time. Be assured that it is not fear of speaking out but a general disinterest or an uncaring air that blows across when one faces these situations, more like an overspill of being tired that one thinks that this is all a waste of time that there are better things in life to bother about and an acceptance of the status quo coupled with one’s own brand of rebelliousness. To illustrate, it is like deciding to teach oneself than depend on the very institution of being taught. After all education doesn’t have to be a thoroughly “being taught” or “teacher-student” relationship but is more and people have taught themselves a lot more than just academic material. I am not discounting the aid here which could be a supportive family, the internet (A very valuable learning tool) and encouraging seniors. There is more of course and in this case, to each his own. There is more to it in a Law school which is 30 kms away from the city and that being, learning to live a life. It is always a marvel to me that I am spending five years of my life, a huge important chunk in Law school. Consider this I have spent two years there already and I don’t know how. It is like life has passed me by and I am in the danger of reaching 21 in a zap not knowing or having lived in the true sense of the term. There is studying of course and stumbling through moots/papers and all that jazz including the whole crazy business of friends and relationships but not ones which I could definably hold onto.

To think, I would find more solace in writing my journal or music from a movie which I really liked to keep me wrapped in my bubble or hard hitting like Nirvana to get me geared…It all seems absurd. There are limits to friendship one realises there and not discounting the fact that I say loads there is always caution. Trust me when I say honesty and a frank nature will not help in Law school. Na-ah. You’d rather kill yourself than tell a friend some of your deepest feelings. I am not all cynical but a lot this semester has put stock on things like these and I can say with conviction that I wasn’t on the same page with a lot of people in my life though I wish they were. Hell, I sound mopey but since this is documentation for posterity, no holds barred and I doubt if any reader would get what I’m saying unless you read between the lines and you might think it is not directed at you but it is or vice versa. So yes, I am growing. (I only wish it were vertically than horizontally or emotionally.) To think Law school draws you in this unreal world of senseless competition that you are bubble wrapped from outside reality is unbecoming. So much has happened…Gaza strip, Sri Lankan Tamils, Barack Obama, the outbreak of a whole new virus (Where in the world do these things come from exactly?!), the death of Feroz Khan, more deaths…and where was I? Oh of course, I was fretting over two articles that had to compulsorily be read and hoping/wishing I could make a sensible point in class to receive appreciation. Yuck. I hate it when I self-destruct myself rather than paint in terms of grey. No wait, I was too busy being bothered about someone else’s life and feelings than care about the larger picture. I was also fretting about something called the ‘Transfer of Property’ and in the meanwhile kicking up a fuss about being victimized with so much work which I had taken upon myself. It is not that my living my life would be wrong in terms of world affairs but to be untouched and unaware of the world and people outside is blinding and this includes my own world. It is another thing that I get bubble wrapped really easily in whatever I do and with my music but the alertness of the outside and others has always been there. A sign that I have to start reading newspapers and keeping more in touch.

Law school isn’t so much troublesome in terms of work. I would gladly work on pressing matters like moot, paper, exams and projects together but it is the atmosphere, the people that make is burdensome or a sad place to be in. The combination of 400 (approx.) of the most brilliant minds in the country (I prefer not to count myself in this and honestly, a few I know there are definitely not on the list. This is as candid as I can get. Hah! My blog.) in this huge 60 acre campus 24*7 (That means most of the time.) with different ideologies, beliefs, ideas and levels of competition can drive anybody nuts. This leads to the problem of association or in general terms forging relationships where you can’t give in yourself totally. It might be worthwhile to think () that the only justification about why we have so many couples is frustration or no choice or that we need somebody’s shoulder to cry on and to share. It is also unsurprising that the only topic of conversation which is interesting at the end of the day is the couple gossip or speculation about who might/will be going out with whom.

“Frankly, I tell you, a few are a total No-no.” “*Gasp* Him and her?! Since when?! How?” “Did you hear? They’re together…” “Oh wow, of course I knew. It doesn’t matter.” “Happy Birthday…”

Also a pity that people who usually don’t/can’t bond actually do over gossip like this or through counting the number of couples and categorizing them batch-wise and being ecstatic that my batch has the largest number. Of course there are inter-batch/senior-junior relationships to be counted. I have to admit that I haven’t had too many conversations about stuff like this since I am supposed to be an academic automaton with a sensible head but the few I’ve had are amusing nonetheless. To think an academic automaton would have feelings… I don’t see anything wrong in these relationships, in fact a few are the sweetest I’ve ever seen which is not many to begin with but I understand their need or should I say their affinity towards each other and the joy+ security they derive from being together. Not that I would know but I guess every relationship should lead to personal growth on both sides, sadly, a few relationships which I’ve seen retard progress and it would seem that it is not meant to be. Then again, love is irrational I’ve been told and I’ve seen.

 …To be contd.

Disclaimer: If you think I do not like Law school, you are mistaken. I do. Very much. It is the only life I can imagine at this age than being stuck in Engineering/Medical school paying a huge fee with plaited oily hair (or my usual short haystack) in a starched salwar kameez with…the works, friends, maybe a new bike and home. In response to a question my friend in Law school constantly asks, this is the only life I’ve ever known/will know and it is more than I imagined, so I like the place and thank God perpetually for being there or having the resources to be there. Maybe that is why I crib lesser (Think again, my friend. Case in point being this post with its droll critical writing). Then again, you know a better life so I don’t blame you for not liking this place.

In a mo’

For the sake of sanity, the love of God, the Father and the Holy Spirit, the world and all the good things in it, the scarce bit of humanity, love and non-competitiveness left in me and the world, I have to maintain this blog to bear testimony to my life and what has become of it down two years away from school. Well, almost two years. At this time back then I was plagued by the boards and hoping desperately to make it to Law school and now that I am here, Hallelujah! Judging Amy sure didn’t warn of stuff life this but yes, it was a sitcom and I am stupid to be inspired from Amy Brenneman and her great life. All else considered now that I here, life I wish would turn back to I semester when I barely knew anybody and when I was just me…Uncaring, innocent and very much gullible. Hah, not to say that I am not now but yes, I am smarter now. (At least one likes to believe so but the reality sadly is otherwise.)

Anyway, cutting the crap, Law school is just brilliant what with no professors as all are being chased out by rebellious students (Where is all this energy when it is needed, like to change the world or India or in becoming politicians and really making changes?) not that I deny that Professors aren’t at fault and not that I am ‘holier-than-thou’ and ’self-regarding’ as I can understand and empathize with the fact that teaching went out with teachers and Professors profess to know or pretend to know or do know but can’t express or just do not want to share (Oh hell, you fill in the possibilities) but anyway, I take recourse to self-learning. You fall, you stumble, you cry, you weep and you get up all shaky and pretend all’s fine that the world is sunshine and walk wobbly but you do. You have to. Don’t want anybody running faster in the rat race, do we? Anyway, so yes, that is Law school, self-learning, boycotting, slang, insults, bullying, justifying, explaining, bribing, buttering… And then there is pretense. Oh Lord, don’t we all but some more than the others. A lot more. Maybe to fit in or be a part of or be liked by a particular group of people. Unsurprisingly, this is normal in every university/school/play school, the only striking thing is that the exposure to the same is biting every time but after a while you just become numb.

Not to stifle the flow of intelligent creativity or a multitude of thoughts, I am going to have to cut this short as other important things like moot beckon.

Sigh.

If you can’t beat ‘em, you join ‘em.

-Untitled-

Theme of the day and for the days to come: Liberation.

The day when the lights went out…

       This is a tribute to today, the day without electricity, the day without the human pre-requisite yo “living”, to a day of sheer bliss sleeping, to a day of mindless conversation, to a day of no-work! I like the last one the most followed by the sleeping option which is now disrupted because the electricity’s back, unfortunately. Well then civilization’s back at doing what it is best at in this place, which is surfing the net, checking mails, getting down to studying and working on senseless projects, to pursuing a memorial for the moot, to listening to the same old music, to ceasing all forms of leisure and working. Not I because I prefer blogging essential to my sane existence and also because it has been ages since I wrote anything at all. If there is anything lacking in the post in terms of writing capabilities which I deem to possess myself this place is to be blamed which literally leeches you of all your favourite hobbies and my interminable sad habit of overdoing it or in the belief fostered by the place that no work=useless. Not that we conform but we are forced to forgo a few things that make us happy and sane to gain the utility of a few hours of sleep which trust me is very few. The dark circles below my eyes are testimony to this fact but one is beyond caring about this things…Aesthetic value, I tell you. God help me if I regret this statement later on.

         There is so much to say but so little time considering that there is work to be done and more work to be done. To hell with it for now, we blog. This might be turning into a personal journal of mine but we do not write to appease or satisfy someone’s notion of intellect. We just write to capture living an existence marred by what truly one does want to do in the sense of capabilities deprivation (Source: Amartya Sen). I can sense the groans at this statement already but I truly believe in this theory. To people who don’t know, in a nutshell it is the deprivation of living life the way one wants to or exercising freedoms which one wants to, more like a deprivation of will. That is I think the saddest loss in life more than anything in material terms. Actually considering Nussbaum’s attributes of capability deprivation, we are all on some level deprived of something or the other be it a loss of sleep or a loss of emotions or a loss of play. People here should identify with this more than anything…We’re actually poor. So to get back to the point, I think this theory makes a lot of sense…Here more than anywhere else.

           Anyway, since there is a lot to written on, I shall limits my thoughts to a paragraph each on every topic. That would be a challenge considering that my belief in ‘Brevity is the soul of wit’ is misplaced and also one might just get plain bored.

1. To begin with the most affected me issue is the Gaza strip. I was forced to research in the course of attending a Model United Nations and never realised the magnanimity of the issue. It is striking to the core that I refused to go beyond a point in getting to know more. There is actually a Palestine holocaust website with pictures of people who have lost their lives during this senseless conflict. No wait, I wouldn’t say senseless since obviously there are warring ideologies who believe themselves justified in these acts and we do have famous international jurists debating on the application of the ‘Doctrine of Proportionality’, things can’t make more sense. That is another 14 people dead, the count is now 21. Damn, this is not proportional. It is all in the numbers. To hell with the fact that people are actually dying, that there are blasts in schools, homes, political offices, in UN embassies, in aid and humanitarian groups…No, we just count and see the stronger side. Dominant strategy, I tell you. (Ugh, I did not just say that.) It is my good fortune that I don’t live there and not dead but what about people who do? Not enough good luck or too many sins that it works against them? Is it there mistake that they were born there and I here. Considering I am ill-informed on this issue, I desist going further.

2. The moot…yes, we won! Honestly, I did not realise its importance here but after being made aware of a few sad realities, I am thankful we did. More than anything it was that moment there with the lights on, at the podium, with people genuinely backing you, with encouragement from ”the lawyer”, with family back home praying…That is what mattered and still only this matters. The rest is subsidiary and fades in light of moments like these. This is to those few people who stuck it out through the pain and tears of practice sessions, who listened and comforted, who cared enough to call, who heard me argue, who helped me through the entire ordeal, who e-mailed case laws when most needed, who were just there. I don’t have to name you but you know who you are and thank you. I don’t have to prove anything anymore…apparently. Quite honestly this point never struck me but was driven home here. Does it matter even?

3. Model United Nations. A brilliant nevertheless sad experience for a first timer. Still I got to learn loads in terms of people, research, speaking skills and life in general. I have never been more impressed with certain people I met who actually did give me enough lee-way to say what I wanted to say or consider me worthy enough to caucus with or bounce ideas of. The highlight of it all…those few statements made by these very people the day I left. The only salvage if ever on the day of escape to a world requiring you more. The whole experience of growing up, facing stark realities and arriving at core truths about oneself and the world. Never been more enlightened.

4. Mangalore incident. Do we really live in a civilized world? The utter irony of living in a self-imposed mockery of a democracy. Isn’t it time that ”the State” or the judiciary or we as people through legal action acted rather than us trying to show defiance by the whole pink undergarments campaign? Everybody protests but what really will bring the whole exercise into some form of practical material effective conclusion? Or have we lost faith completely and see these campaigns as a way to bring about change?

5. Friends. In the course of conversation, I happened to remark, “I haven’t gotten in touch with old friends (read school friends).” Old..sheesh. How long has it been even? I really haven’t kept in touch considering they had a batch reunion and I wasn’t there, they had a group reunion and I wasn’t there and…So many occasions. So much for writing “Keep in touch!” in every slam book. I think  Orkut and Facebook needs to be utilized more from now. It is sad that my junior from school has more pictures of school and varied memories so brilliantly captured and I have let time pass me by without having any of it. Bring me back the old days!

Of changing friendships, loyalties and irreconcilable bitterness.

6. Law school teaching and humdrum-ness. (I don’t think there is any such word but this is an exercise of writer’s (borrowed from poetic) license.) I have no comments, beyond the point of caring. If I truly am, why the write-up? I don’ know. No wait, I do. It is to capture this for posterity and by then I would have self-learnt everything or taught myself everything.

7. The whole exercise of talking for the sake of talking. Sometimes it is best to keep silent.

8. Learning to accept the limits to one’s own capabilities in terms of absorbing things and the fact that one’s brain, body and soul refuses to taxed beyond a point and demands respite. Learning to accept that one hasn’t/couldn’t have done well in something. (Read Surprise tests.) Oh Lord! 16 days of absence can actually mess up your life.

9. The feeling of being tired perpetually of caring too much or being cared for far too less but then realising that this is life. (Forgive the use of abstract.)

10. The material gains from money and it’s tendency of ensuring comfort and security.

The best thing in this world…Music!

Oh wow in ten points I seem to have covered if briefly all that is to be said. I am learning to be concise though compromising a lot on creativity. Or maybe it is my brain which refuses to be driven more though it has been idle the whole day. Whatever it is, I am glad I did this and if you’ve reached here reading all this while, thank you.

This is one thing off my to-do list, for now.

Did I just say that?

The utter insanity of this place.

p.s- Valentine’s day! This is to that woman from the mediation centre and bailiff from the labour court with their hidden smiles and constant stares, to two really good friends here, to couples all over campus, to those about to be hitched and have to publicly declare, to Mom and Dad, to friends hitched back home and to the unhitched.

p.p.s- Also thank you to people who stressed on my use of paragraphs.

The song.

Okay this is, I think, the song of the century. Pasting the lyrics of ‘Millennium’ sung by Robbie Williams. Just couldn’t resist this.

We’ve got stars directing our fate
and we’re praying it’s not too late
Millennium

Some say that we are players
some say that we are pawns
but we’ve been making money since the day that we were born
Got to slow down,
cause we’ll low down.

Round and round in circles
live a life of solitude
’till we find ourselves a partner someone to relate to
Then we slow down,
before we fall down.
We’ve got stars directing our fate
and we’re praying it’s not too late
’cause we know we’re falling from grace
Millennium

Live for liposuction
detax for your ‘rents
overdose for Christmas and give it up for Lent
My friends are all so cynical refuse to keep the faith
We all enjoy the madness ’cause we know we’re gonna fade away.

We’ve got stars directing our fate
and we’re praying it’s not too late
’cause we know we’re falling from grace
Millennium

Come and have a go if you think you are hard enough
Come and have a go if you think you are hard enough
Millennium
Millennium

We’ve got stars directing our fate
and we’re praying it’s not too late
’cause we know we’re falling from grace
Millennium

(Sometimes you know)

And when we come we always come too late
I often think that we were born to hate
get up and see the sarcasm in my eyes.
And when we come we always come too late
I often think that we were born to hate
get up and see the sarcasm in my eyes.

We’ve got stars directing our fate (Millennium)
and we’re praying it’s not too late(Millennium)
’cause we know we’re falling from grace(Millennium)

(And we won’t stop)

We’ve got stars directing our fate
and we’re praying it’s not too late
’cause we know we’re falling from grace
Millennium (fades)

The music is haunting, in the sense the tune just stays with you. Yes, it has been copied by Anu Malik for one of the songs in Love Story 2050. Useless piece of trivia but when the tune of one of your favourite songs is playing something else entirely than the song, it gets personal.