As the days pass by, I have been thinking more like soul-searching on various issues in addition to worrying about those horrid surprise tests. I used to believe that ‘suprise’ is a positive term, implying good news but now, it is “just so much of” a shock. This time really a shock and it does take much to convince oneself that it is only 10 marks and anyway, I always screw them up. Not when you’ve consciously put in hard work but then there are a few things beyond one’s control and I am pretty much sure that wallowing about them now is not going to help. I would have otherwise.
To more important issues like the world in general, Law school has again succeeded in bubble wrapping me in my all consuming world that I have no inkling about what is happening around me including my own family to a large extent. My house was painted (Pink apparently. Hell, who paints pink!) , one of my cousins (I have no clue just how many are there and what exactly are the bonds.) is engaged to be married in November, my other cousin (the one who wants to make it to NASA) has made it to college with a very reasonable fee structure considering the high rates in Engineering, my other cousin is off to Rajasthan for Engineering, my Uncle in the US got promoted, my other Uncle has spent almost 3 years in Heaven by now, my sister is in the V grade-one of the primes of my life, my best friend..I have no clue what is happening with her or anyone else. It is another thing to know that one of my other close friends or was a close friend is engaged to be married, another one already married and another one married with kids. Where is the world going or what are we coming to? To all of them congratulations but seriously, you could have spent a few years enjoying your liberty but I guess there is something liberating in commitment as well. Not that I would know. With the high rate of break-ups and failed relationships with tears every moment, I am sorry but no thank you. It is never the fear or aversion to try something new but not something with such disastrous consequences as to make one go ballistic, furious and completely cuckoo or make one terribly silly in behaviour in the misconception that Mr. Right could be just round the corner. It is not as if Law school gives one the luxury of acting stupid and even if does, I don’t think I can possibly put up with the utter idiocy and ridicule that accompanies it here at least in the context of my batch.
Some would believe that it is a boon to belong to a community which has such an eclectic mix of people in terms of backgrounds, finances, IQ levels et al. True it is. I have never been more enlightened or sure of the person I am now but there is something that surpasses it all, in the sense that even the common norms are not so in my batch. Basic ethics, basic moral values, basic common sense (paradoxical) which is lacking at some level. What is even more disgusting is the politics of the whole deal. The fact that we are supposed to be exercising our franchise in this semblance of a democratic process yet end up with a bunch of people who were set out for it with absolutely no rational basis is baffling. Taking into account the actual number that remains in class during classes (forget even listening) it is absolutely mind-blogging as I keep questioning their existence in this place. It is not the question of being judgmental or holier-than-thou but seriously, hold on a sec, what are you here for? Do you even know the magnitude of spending a good five years, the most crucial five make-or-break years of your life here? I am sure they would testify to the general discontent attached to this place in terms of people but beyond it all, does it actually matter to you that you are in a course that has a direct impact on other peoples lives even on yours? I am sure Daddy would keep you safe for a good many years but then how much longer? Maybe this counter to the world being a very cruel and tough place, the couching of it all or dressing it up to believe that the world is perfect. Maybe I am being cynical. So sue me but I would very much be concerned if after 5 years I don’t land up with a job I like. I don’t want to make do. I can’t. Hell, the others and I didn’t make do with our local law colleges and made it through an entrance to get here. When we haven’t compromised or our family hasn’t in matters of providing legal education, there is absolutely no reason why any of us would settle for a lesser job, a lesser life as compared to that which we are capable of. It is not my fault that I wasn’t born in the greatest legal or business family in India but don’t make it difficult for us, the people who are honestly trying to do their best to the point that you start hating us. If anyone while reading this makes a link with Vendel, I am sorry to dash your hopes but I am not cowardly to send e-mails through different ids and assume it will make some impact on people. Clearly, it didn’t have the desired effect on people whom it is supposed to. No wait, did it for a day? I remotely remember a second of silence.
I have been warned off as a kid and been burned by my own openly voiced comments but this is my writer’s license and my blog. Besides, my pissed off face has made enough of an impact as people have gotten around to figuring out that their behaviour and they are not welcome. So much for getting people to like you. It is not as if one of the most brilliant professors here cares about what people think about her or their aversion towards here but she makes it obvious that at some level she does and wants to reconcile. Why would she or anybody else do that when they know they’re right? Isn’t that rich of the other person to expect the recognition of their distaste or aversion towards us? It is something akin to ‘equals being treated equally, unequals being treated unequally’ and clearly there is a wide chasm here. Quite honestly, I admit to being slightly prejudiced against the Professor herself as I thought I was the under-dog and she was this “towering over-arching” figure but when I view things in black and white, I am clearly in the wrong. Admittedly, there is less elbow room with her set interpretations and values but she has a justification about everything she says unlike certain others who have no backing whatsoever. Admittedly she does seem more inclined towards certain people but if one were to give her a bunch of absolutely disinterested people even in a Law subject, the few who do try are appreciated, the degree here being about just how much have you tried or been trying. I don’t see the point in that woman being the Prima Donna of Law saying that “You might hate me for this but… (justification)”. 1) Why should she? What is the need? 2) Doesn’t this go against the misconception about her being ruthless/uncaring and generally spiteful? 3) In the presence of a majoritarian bunch of generally disinterested people, why would you bare yourself? My only justification for her is that she loves her job way too much. There are levels here to be examined, one of the inability to understand, the other about not even making that attempt when you have the resources. Is it that hard to spend two minutes not talking about your-oh-so-happening life? What is so important anyway? The latest nail-color? The latest gossip about who is dating whom? The I-need-to-pour-out my heart to you only in class? Fine, all of this is a given but I am sure that nail colors don’t release everyday and it is not a make-up/break-up every single moment. While we (the few) were discussing this, it ultimately boiled down to exasperation, frustration and the inability to understand them. For me, it was more also in terms of a loss of respect for them. Am I the only one being so vocal about it that I am in danger of being caught and boycotted? Even in the few of us, how many of us are honest about this and will express ourselves when called for? That makes me a coward too. I throw disgusted looks in classes, I am blogging about this…have I gone to them and confronted them? In fact, I did but it is a futile exercise as they fail to understand, even some of the better ones. So basically, it is hard core diplomacy of I can’t stand you behind the person’s back and in front of them giving them the importance akin to that or even more than someone who isn’t like that. Hence, if I allow for copying today though the “copier” is allegedly brilliant in Law and knows his shit, if I do, I am cool and accepted and loved. Why is the question. The few of us cover beneath the I-need-to-be-liked jazz. By whom, pray tell. Taking remedials for people who wrote the repeat for the afore mentioned Professors’s course, I came across people who genuinely truly madly were making the effor to get to know her and understand her fundas. They really did and were disappointed with the mere passing grade they received. Is it too much to ask you to try for your sake? I firmly hold by my now entrenched notion of diplomacy being a form of hypocrisy. Hell, you might be friends with a person and take them for granted but are very much bothered about whether or not the brilliant people (Sarcasm intended) think of you and hope they like you. Quite honestly, face the mirror and for once, be truthful than a coward.
Further on the cream of the brilliants decide on the governance of this place through their brand of politicking. So that makes it 8 guys here (who are close to girls) and one girl (One of the other brilliants) there and that adds up to me, a total numb-skull becoming the head of them all. Wow. Isn’t that a work of art? Your obvious question then reader should then be what can I do about it? I can’t. That is the point because I lack the bloody diplomacy skills and refuse to see the spade for a heart. It is akin to running the governance of this country but there are dollops of merit here and there as well. Here there is a total negation of merit and depends on who your friends are. Also, this whole notion of “friends” here baffles me in some contexts. You can’t befriend or attempt it by setting out an agenda because it doesn’t work that way, just like you can’t get regain trust or respect. I think it is better to be a closed up clam than a foolish nincompoop who is set to get her heart butchered by someone. No, we don’t believe in the inherent goodness of our friends here, leave alone the human race.
In response to a conversation a week ago, yes, I am a creature of my own making, of my family predominantly. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke. If I have no problem with you doing it (If I do, maybe it is because of the excesses or that you are my friend), you shouldn’t with me or the kind of person I am. To all those politicking, you need a reality check and get a life. Also to others, thank you for making me rebel against my family but the point is I do actually like being super-imposed with a few ideas and I stand by them, thank you very much.
p.s- To the readers who’ve made the connect, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t vocally voice out you opinion on this or start ranting about Vendel and defame me. If you do or are planning to, good luck to you because I am out there with this already.