“I know what I want.”

It’s amazing how confident and sure some people are of themselves, of life and of choices they make. The above line, in my opinion justifies everything easily, all those things that didn’t work out, all those times when you had so many opportunities and it was only laziness that you kept you away from taking them up, all those times when you haven’t made the cut and also all those times when you’re the only one hasn’t cowed down or done something that everyone has. How can one know or be sure, ever? I am not even sure of let’s say my favorite color because every shade is so beautiful and it is more on how you feel what you like when, so very dependent on moods and circumstances but wait, is that just me? Whereas there are people who have their whole lives mapped out, layered and done up. Yes yes, the larger picture is always there, the bigger objective, the goal is always there but how do you get there? How do you get there without getting hurt and in the least painful, self-sacrificing, happy manner? I don’t know! How do these people do? It is intuitive, apparently. Let’s say my intuition right now is to quit damn Law School and work at my favorite Law firm, under my favorite Boss. (I wonder if he’ll recruit me without a degree but still.) Can I do that? To just give up on this mundane bull-shit with God-awful Professors and with hypocrisy abound? Can I just quit? Wait, quit’s a negative word. Can I just…move on? Yes, that sounds better. I’ve been told that I am making a mountain out of a mole-hill but it has made me think nevertheless. Hell, if I don’t make a mountain out of an important issue, I should become a sloth bear and just not care. Okay, that didn’t make sense but the point is yes, I am thinking.

I am thinking how a man with such awful English who doesn’t bloody anything and is goofy enough to not realize the perverted connotations ‘his things’ gives rise to can judge me and make me feel like shit. Yes yes, Eleanor Roosevelt (I think) said, “We feel bad or become low only when we allow others to make us feel that way.” or something that inspirational to that effect. I can’t boast of that here because I have permitted him, this man to impart education to me and have paid for his kind services. I am thinking, “Hey, am I that bad? Hunh?”

Added to that angst there is also this matter of fact that dealing with people requires skills. Considering the paradigm shift this semester has seen in people’s relations, I don’t think I am going to be trusting anyone anytime soon. Get this, “She told me and cried that you said this, behaved like this…” In short, recrimination, accusations and a loud call saying, “Feel ashamed and bad, you nasty person!” because I am God and un-impeachable. Right-O. It is also bewildering about how people can talk behind other people’s backs. I might have, sometimes but there has never been any malicious intent or anything being spread about that isn’t already known. Also, I refuse to be an emotional crutch anymore.

This is one time, truly, when I don’t want to get back. I am certain of that. Do I have a choice? Can the fish survive outside water?


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