You know there are a few things that are absolutely beyond me, like beyond my understanding, sometimes I feel like I am incapable of understanding them like this light green shirt guy sitting two places away next to me in the library. Why does he have to talk and when he knows he has a pure husky voice and it is annoying in a way. He keeps chatting up with the woman next to him who has a laptop, has her earphones on and I bet has other things to do than listen to him. No wait, she chose to sit next to him so maybe she likes it. I don’t know, hell, I can’t even read people or their intentions properly these days.

What I can’t understand is the relationships which people share. It is quite simple really like 2+2=4 though it actually doesn’t add up to 4 since the angles of two right-angled triangles don’t actually add up that way so it could be a 4. something or 3. something. (Read Vikram Seth, A Suitable Boy for this funda) I was saying that it is extremely simple because if you want things fine all the time you just don’t react and never display your emotions. Never. You act like nothing ever has affected you and smile all the time and speak the same. As in you don’t share that core of you which is angry, hurt, disappointed, sad and all those emotions that make a human human or humane if you please. I kid you not. You just be there for your friends, smile, talk, help them, support them and then just not show yourself. That way, everyone in this world is your friend. I realise that now. And I have been an idiot all along.

You know what’s funny, I don’t get people who like hurting themselves and being in painful relationships. I don’t. I also don’t get people who have soul-less eyes. Eyes speak a lot and express even more. As someone rightly said, they are the windows to the soul. But what if there is no soul.

I also don’t get gossipy people or people who exaggerate and behave like the whole damn world is positively running behind them. Gossip can be harmful especially when it creates those awful stories which don’t possess a whisker of truth. And my-oh-my not every guy in this world loves you. I am sure they have options, it’s an ocean out there! We also need to stop reading into things like a random phone call, a message, some mention, some incident or just some random ass comment. Talk about interpretation. If one were to start reading designs and patterns into every damn thing, we’d be caught in a flux. It is like my Mom puts it, don’t question intentions. Just be thankful that people are nice to you and want to be your friend and might like you for who you are and might have faith in you for your capabilities much more than you do. But where is that gullible era, where we don’t question people but believe them for what they say, prima facie, at face value where we trust, we believe. No, I’ve not completely turned cynic. I think there still do exist people whom I’d trust with my life and this includes some people who are non-family.

I am also surprised at how fickle I am and cannot stick to a decision, a choice, a mindset and impressions of people. It is startling but hey, I am growing. Isn’t this the whole character building phase where I learn judgment and non-judgmental-ness.

Let’s put this straight. I wish I did get a job and would then be so complacent but I know I am not that lucky because see, it is not so much about your capability, achievements or just how damn good you’d be at your work but just how much you can faff, dramatise, pull off a cock and bull story and act smart or confident. And you have to sound all this on paper. Ain’t it much to expect non-graduate to be lawyers to pull off a Marlon Brando or a SRK or a JK Rowling than to just be good at what they are which is research, smart thinking and a lot of other things that make lawyers. You need luck, timing, the right kind of timing and so much more. There is so much dependent on luck. I’d say that anyone who ever made it big just got lucky when a big break came their way. Yes you’re smart too but if that were all, there wouldn’t be so many hidden geniuses, child prodigies (unrecognised), so many people who are so damn good but never had that added element of luck. Hell, you just need to be lucky sometimes.

I also love working hard. It is so distracting and helps one sleep peacefully. It puts you in this cloak where you are just protected from the world and sometimes you want that. You want that numb couched in a cloak feeling.

Love’s complicated, “like” is scary, a crush is manageable, this and the rest is just beyond me. I fail to understand. I don’t think I ever will.

Dislike and hate are scarier. I’ve been doing that always, I run away or escape people I don’t want to meet and there happen to people I never thought I’d NOT like. The dislike has crystallized.

It is also surprising at the things that clout can pull off which a commoner can never hope to do. Merit is not all, never all. It is not about how damn good you are at the subject, at the confidence you have in the paper you’ve written et al because when you screw up all this never works but only clout does. To the clout, salut.

To life, to love, to this very moment. And to the library, to the awesome indigo tainted sky, to good music, to a laptop that works but gets hung, to green trees, to a day of rest, to a day of bitter tastes, to a day of missed calls by unknown people who make it a point to call everyday, to non self-confidence, to doubting oneself, to being human, to feeling “like”, to feeling “dislike”, to being choosy, to having options, to getting pissed off, to a bad hair day, to not wanting to wake up in the morning, to headaches, to boring classes, to taking notes rapidly, to being stared, to staring, to looking straight, to Jason Mraz, to defending friends, to supporting friends, to feeling bad, to seeing soul-less people, to seeing unethical people, to gossiping, to escaping, to avoiding, to sharing, to beautification, to feeling good, to good clothes, to cleaning, to sleep, to routine.

C’est la vie.


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