Time flies by quickly when you’re too busy going through the motions without actually living them. This numb feeling is comfortable and ensconces one into a fall sense of security, this deep trap that everything outside is not real because you actually can’t feel and touch them. It sounds surreal I agree but this is what it is, it a settled feeling of stoic, this calm quiet which doesn’t demand much. It just demands you to accept and live, to pass each day as it is without cringing much at the small discomfitures.
Life has been larger than life and overly dramatic this past month. New attitudes, change of existing ones, modifications in thought process, letting yourself go and fall and facing new realities.
1. We all wear masks be it one apply in the beauty salon or one in real life. We hide behind them in this fake sense of security and believe that our actions are also hidden, that even when they are performed we will not be identified. Think again. That fancy earth mask will wash away with water but your actions of ridiculing someone especially one who is cleaning your feet out of necessity won’t. Redistribution of resources is the biggest tragedy mankind has to face. Arrogance hurts.
2. We all believe in being nice, we all want to be nice but what about those moments when you want to shut the world out and be with people you love, only with them. Is it too much to ask for some love? Is it necessary to like everyone and be nice to everyone 24*7, everyone on the face of the earth? Is it much to hope for a non-egoistical relationship?
3. Hard work pays and doesn’t pay. As someone said, somedays you’re the pigeon and somedays you’re the roof but what then when you see people on equal and if not on the lower hard work quotient much ahead and doing so well, to the point that you can never hope to reach with even the big bucks. Are you allowed to feel bad for yourself?
4. What do you do when you’ve lost all that made you once, that initiative, drive, enthusiasm, love for life, ambition and happiness? Because you’re so tired of the damn ‘work but no returns’ trend, so sick of the competition, so done with people and hence done with the world. Yes, one should no give up but one does lose it at some time hopefully for only a short time.
5. What do you do with pent-up guilt and parental expectations? What and how do you choose?
6. How difficult is to make it up to someone and make them happy? To apologize and do something towards it? I do it all the time!
I hate the fact that I have no answers but only questions, like I am looking for a roadmap or ‘how-to-live-life’ guide so lost in turbulence which is completely covered from outside, like being bubble wrapped except every human being loves bursting bubble wrap. What if it bursts one day, would you be prepared to actually feel and face life head on or are you going to shy away further? I think it has to also do with stagnancy, I hate same places, same people but neither do I like newness.
For now, I want home, my bed, that comforting warm blanket, Mom’s worry and food, Dad’s views on the world and Sister’s annoying but cute chatter. I want my Harry Potter book, tea at the right times, my favourite sitcoms and movies, my couch and my old friends. I crave all this with all my heart and soul and I can’t get it. I miss home.