There, I deactivated that horrid account and signed out of that irksome chat.
Ever heard of the word ‘hate’?
Why of course, you have. Like, “I hate the Government!”, “I hate paying taxes!” or even “I hate brown!” or the much more probable, “I hate my neighbor! She is such a busybody!” No, I don’t hate my neighbor and I wouldn’t want to be implicated for sedition / libel so I shall desist from commenting on the former.
Hate – Such a strong emotion and word that I believe one can’t use it for anything / anybody. One could probably use its lesser variants like discontent / dislike / distaste / not preferable, probably, even contempt. Then why do I feel like saying, I HATE, absolutely do hate law school in toto. I think there is a word for that strong feeling / burning in your heart and I brand it HATE. Whom and why are the obvious questions. I believe it has something to do with this intense feeling of discontent and contempt about anything related to that place which unfortunately taints even what I love – to study, learn and the law. You know things have reached the peak when you don’t feel much about what can be termed as your passion for the sole reason that the atmosphere in terms of people and whole damn culture is extremely non-conducive to productivity and just the feeling of happiness. Why you ask me. This is like a rehash of the past where I can’t pinpoint where and what went wrong exactly but something did. May be, it is an overflow of all that was resisted, buried under the ground the remains brushed under a rug which had gathered too much dust or it is just the effect of impatience at wanting to move on to something else, something better? Is that a bad thing or is it ungrateful to feel that there might be something better than this – 5 hours of work and lots of time left to oneself with every moment except a few painful to say the very least? Aren’t 4 years enough? Why do we have a 5th year. No, I do not want to “chill out”. Let’s get on with it, can we, please? Honestly speaking, I can bet there isn’t any “love / liking” lost by anybody but we hang out and comply by societal niceties because we’re stuck on this never-ending treadmill run, the kinds that mice run, have you seen that one? Wait, scratch mice and replace it with rats, that would be more like it. You just can’t pull out of that race or run any slower because it is 5 years and that is you being yourself. Not much to ask is it, to beg / practically plead for a change in the scenery or to escape the next year because of this crazy feeling of dread and not-good anxiety and a genuine lack of excitement about life the next one year. Am I not getting sentimental that it is my last year of the good ‘ol life? Where is that feeling of ‘I miss you, keep in touch’? Non-existent.
It is just… DIS-CONTENT and DIS-LIKE.