I am in the habit of taking stock of my life at the end of every huge milestone. The milestone in question in the present case is but obviously New Year’s. 2 months to the much awaited year of 2012 which is supposedly going to mark the end of mankind as per Nostradamus and that movie which I still haven’t watched. It has been more than a year since I last entered journal entries with dates and events that I wanted to remember. That regular habit was somewhere lost in the midst of studying, studying more, working and battling life’s trivialities which is ironic because I remember working more previously.
I like this ‘hurtling through life’ deal where you just go through life’s motions and living without thinking or pinning it down to feelings and memories and all that emotional crap. You just keep going from one good moment to the next bad moment from one super moment to a terrible moment. I have realised you can’t ever have this one completely good moment that just spreads over a whole month much less a year. It is like life can’t be this completely chocolate layer but it has to have the occasional bad nut / strong bitter caramel that gets stuck in your teeth.
The one thing that I am thankful for year after year is the photography feature we have in our brain. It clicks and preserves for posterity even those things you don’t want to remember, hence, life is a collection of snap shots put together spanning across years. So one minute you’re a fairy in a play in I grade, the next you’re wearing glasses and affirming your identity as a dork in VI grade and the next you’re wearing that awful plain sari and walking down the aisle leaving school. An interesting fact is that even 10,000 words are not sufficient to capture more than 15 years of your life. What can be more convenient than to document one’s own life for a novel writing competition! I have misplaced the copy of that badly written, unedited so-called novel but what struck me the most while writing it is how every memory stood vivid and colorful, some happy, some not-so and the rest about mundane things like studying at particular hours and having a set routine in place.
Probably all that discipline kept me in good stead while preparing for the Law Entrance examination and in a way I regret aiming that high. In addition to it being a loss of mental peace and all other such things that keep you sane, it is a grave loss of one’s resources both financially and as a person. If this is God’s idea of a rite of passage into the real world, it has to be His / Her worst idea till date as it is nothing short of burning in hell and paying to stay there. It is like this cruel preview of what the real world might be like which defies all the good things you read in novels and dreamt of. I still like to kid myself sometimes that the real world is a great place and that people out there are not all ‘Mean Girls’ and ‘Bad Boys’.
The best way to deal with such situations is to take what you can out of the place or so I have been told a zillion times and that is, in this case, a stupid job which obviously will pay well considering they have kids still slogging mentally inspite of 5 years of severe brain damage and heart burn. Maybe every place has that saturation point, that point where you can’t take more of it since its Diminishing Marginal Utility it at its highest. Wow, that Economics studying actually helped! I went through the exact same thing with school though the last two years were nothing short of terrific. I can’t say I don’t regret anything in school, oh God I do but those last two years made up for a lot of the other stuff, if not for all. I think people who change schools avoid all the angst at hitting saturation point. The irony is that despite a great 2 year run I was glad leaving school. I really doubt I cried at that over hyped moment when all of us rose up to sing the school hymn during Farewell. I don’t really remember it though I recall other trivial details, like where I was seated, what I did wear and also a bit of elation that I might be onto something great like studying Law ahead. A perfect example of juvenile thinking. I think all this saturation makes it easier to let go and leave. Personally, I’d prefer to have this teary farewell with honest feelings of, “Oh, how I’m going to miss you.” or the feeling that the last episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S left me with but hell, I am going to be one super happy person leaving Law School. It is another thing that I will be seeing the same people again here and there, unfortunate that it is since I have barely seen anyone from School but at least I’ll be out breathing fresh air. I have the last day planned too, where I’d be out on the first and fastest mode of transport without the fake byes and tears. A painless and happy getaway and yes it seems like I am fleeing the devil but yay to that.
All I am left with this year is a bunch of snapshots and nostalgia, this strong feeling as if I am missing something dearly, regret at what happened and what didn’t, fear for the future and unfilled pages in a journal which is yellowing with age inter alia. All this is only when you sit down and ponder over the question of, “So, how has the run been so far?” And that is when all this hits you.
Otherwise, it is blissful ignorance and foolish weaving of dreams for the future which I am happy to share with you have a sound practical foundation in cold hard cash. Other surreal and unearthly things are kept safely locked in another Hope Chest which don’t need to be delved into or thought much about unless absolutely necessary.
I like what I see ahead and till I reach my next saturation point it seems “go-od” and “BEA-utiful” a la Jim Carrey in Bruce Almighty.
New Year Resolution? – My last one was when I was in school and I can’t think of a better time to bring back good things from the past so I should make one. I’ve got it!
“No, you insensitive rhymes-with-witch!” – Easy A. The smartest chick flick (Wait, is that a paradox?) with the sassiest dialogues in a long long time. The last sassy movie I remember watching was 10 Things I Hate About You which starred amazing Heath Ledger, who played the best Bad Boy in the history of movies. (May his Soul Rest in Peace)