I had come across a freshly pressed blog speaking about writing a letter to your 16 year old self. I am writing one too but to my 17 year old self for the sole reason that it proved to be my life changing year in more ways than one.
Letter to my 17 year old self this Christmas:
I have always loved Christmas, ’tis the season to be jolly fa-la-la-la-la-la-la and of all the beautiful red and green against the backdrop of white. There is just something about December which reminds one of gingerbread houses, snow, chocolates, Christmas trees, lights, sleighs, gaily wrapped presents, coats and scarves, reindeers, festoons and a steaming cup of hot chocolate.
My theme this December is however quite different and when I think about it the two words that come to mind are ‘losing heart’ and at so many different levels. Recently, I came across a bunch of old cards and letters from friends I had made in a day to my best friend of the year and from friends who hadn’t liked me much before. From being a person who cherished memories and old times, I had now reached that stage where I didn’t spend any time re-reading those cards and letters but just felt happy seeing them. The evolution of the person written about and written to was also quite evident. Today, I am regarded and viewed in an extremely different light and none of it is bright sunshiny yellow.
One of my biggest epiphanies is about each person’s quest for validation as a human being and of the person one is. Life in all its glory is really not about seeking out the mythical phenomenon quite simply termed happiness but about getting oneself approved and validated. This might be viewed as insecurity / under-confidence but it is nothing but really seeking some sort of a stamp / seal about one’s actions, feelings and behaviour. This is the reason why we prefer certain people over others – we prefer people who make us feel good about ourselves and are positive towards us over the bunch who don’t repose faith and confidence in us. I figured this out in the context of the ‘full circle’ phenomenon. In all probability, I committed this errors earlier on which is why I am being served my just desserts now.
I never thought I’d lose heart when it came to my decision to study Law. I question it now ever more. I question it now from the perspective of a person who has invested time, money and efforts at studying hard but who is now left with this feeling of dissatisfaction academically and personally. I am not quite interested in the Law anymore, it doesn’t stimulate my brain or challenge me, I haven’t completely achieved the achievable and neither do I feel knowledgeable. After nine semesters of the great overly-hyped Law School, I just harbour a deep sense of dread at having to return to Law School even to complete just one other semester in order to be eligible to receive the degree.