There are very few moments in one’s life when one is just forced to pause (for a really long time) and think, rather stare, be shell-shocked and go into states of rapid denial, acceptance, worry, tension, hope, drama, tears and peace . As a human race we are just too enamored by life’s trivialities that when something huge actually does happen, we are humbled and find ourselves unable to adequately deal with the situation. We try using different coping mechanisms which range from hinging on familial support, defensiveness where we try to push people away believing that we can deal with our own issues perfectly well, tears so we can discharge all of that worry, unease and tension out of our system, building up unreasonable expectations such as expecting people to actually care and for once treat us as if we are the centre of the universe because we are facing something so huge that we need some fortification, hoping like mad for a miracle, questioning everything and anything, disbelief, jealousy that only we are affected and others are leading such quite lives, anger at God/ Fate/ Karma/ Destiny/ Luck, questioning even our most innocent actions and magnifying them a hundred fold believing that we deserved this in turn for some dastardly act, tears from pain from all the needle poking, endless tests, the horrible wait outside the doctor’s room, quite acceptance of all the consultations of different doctors, wonder – why wasn’t I a doctor, disgust – who would want to be a doctor? they are depressing, confusion – an endless wave of skepticism at every thing that is spoken or suggested, paranoia, fear, occasional and rare bouts of hope and bravery to prayer, physical and mental tiredness, worry and this constant sense of discomfort thinking about the next step.
I don’t know why, how, what and when but I pray, wish and hope that nobody in this world especially people dear to me ever face this sort of a test. We pray for many things everyday, wish for many things in the future, want many things of life, hope for so very much…it is frightening when all of it seems to go away and we are facing something unfathomable, unknown and plain scary like going into the fighter’s ring without any protection. People will be around to help you but eventually it comes down to you alone and how you have to face the monster. At this point in time, all one can do is pray, hope and put on a brave facade because one can’t afford to crumble down, break down and cry anymore. One prays for a miracle – a healing in every way possible and hope that somehow our well-wishers bless us genuinely and that God might listen to the number of prayers for you and pull you out of it. One also learns to be brave and expects lesser of all except for the Higher Power and of oneself.
I don’t know what may come to pass but I am tired and exhausted of everything. Hell I don’t even care for all that I have worked for and towards. I am tired and just want to sleep it all away as if it is a bad nightmare.